Thursday, June 01, 2006

Canadian University Press Threatens to Incinerate 'Annoying' Student Associations

Are you a student politician? And is the student press on your campus independent of your student association? If 'yes', then you may very well have come in for a lot of criticism from your local campus media. The student press in Canada is very famous for asserting its independence, and for insisting on ruthlessly reporting on the shenanigans of on-campus organizations, including student associations.

The intentions of the student press, however, may have taken a darker turn. To cite a resolution that was passed in January 2005 by Canadian University Press, the alliance of Canadian student newspapers:
WHEREAS once upon a time, CUP had an awesome idea of building a Death Star, and decided to put money toward making it happen, and
WHEREAS student unions are evil and should be eliminated from the galaxy (toasted like flaming marshmallows), and
WHEREAS we have serious engineers who support the idea and are willing to work pro bono on this project, and
WHEREAS late during plenary at CUP 66, some people put forward a motion to loot the Death Star Fund in order to build a houseboat, and
WHEREAS a houseboat seems silly and unrealistic, like much of what comes out of the Gateway, and
WHEREAS a Death Star would still totally rock!

BIRT CUP change the houseboat fund back into the Death Star Fund, and
BIFRT the fund continue to be contributed to at the rate of $π ($3.14) per year, until such time that funding is sufficient to research, design and build a full-scale Death Star to be used as a negotiating tool for CUP members with student associations and university administrations, and
BIFRT CASA and CFS are nerdy geeks, and
BIFRT the Death Star also be used to acquire revenge on student associations or other unpleasant groups of individuals who annoy anyone in CUP, for any reason, and
BIFRT the Death Star be used to extort money from large multinational corporations, where such activity is not against the law, and
BIFRT we acknowledge that the Death Star is very important to many members of CUP, and therefore not try to replace it with any other vessel or vehicle of destruction.
So... are the nerdy geeks in charge of your student union capable of piloting X-Wing fighters?

(This motion, and many other of a similarly hilarious nature, were discovered on the weblog of local SFU campus media baroness Amanda McCuaig.)

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Blogger The Patmeister said...

They're killing us... one pi at a time...

3:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey i wonder if some of the "journalists" at cup have ever thought to themselves: "EUREKA!! Let's stop pretending to be the official opposition to student union representatives because we're not even elected and we have to at least FRONT as credible journalists!" i guess not...

3:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And while we're at it, I guess all of the major media outlets should pack up their Ottawa bureaus as well and stop covering the House of Commons. There is clearly no role for the media in keeping our governments open and honest...

Keep it up Titus.

10:42 AM  

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